On A Heart That Is Still Mending…

It has been a little over two months since my open heart surgery. The doctors tell me it will be a year before my heart is fully mended.

Positives I’ve noticed since the surgery:

1. I have noticed that the jaw and arm pain I would often deal with when I exerted myself is improving.

2. My very irregular heartbeat is improving.

Negatives I’ve noticed since the surgery:

1. Having to accept that I have limitations.

2. Having to accept that the pains I have in my rib cage aren’t going to go away anytime soon.

What I will never understand is where the physical pain associated with my broken and now mending heart ends and where the emotional pain in my heart begins. What I do know is that in the past two months, I’ve had enough pain in my heart to last most people a lifetime.

Worrying about my loved ones has consumed my life and caused enormous pain in my heart lately. I worry about things I know I can’t control, especially when it comes to health issues that affect myself and others. I worry about the feelings of the ones I love and I hate that anyone I care about has to deal with hurt of any kind.

Acceptance and trusting in a higher power have been helpful to me, but I still have a long way to go before my healing heart is completely mended. The doctors say the physical mending of my heart will take a year to complete. I can accept that. The emotional mending of my heart may never be complete. I suppose if you don’t feel and if you don’t care, your heart stays intact. That is simply something I never could accept.

My heart — broken, mending, healed, or otherwise — makes me ME. I will continue to feel, continue to love, continue to worry — with all of my heart.